No turning back. How I used my mental health struggles to change my life.

It's funny how life can change at unexpected moments. It turns out, my life began at 36, and it didn’t exactly get off to a flying start either.

It was about 9pm and I start shaking. The kind of shaking too much coffee will give you, but worse, way worse.

It was June 2024. I’d recently come off some anti-anxiety medication. I’d be on them for years. They took the edge off the anxiety, a condition that has controlled me all my life, but they never worked ‘properly’. I was still having panic attacks, still overweight, still unhappy and still well and truly stuck. So, I decided to try something else. I'd go it alone I thought, not an uncommon occurrence for me.

I wrote the panic attack, jitters, palpitations off as a side effect of having come off the meds. When things hadn’t improved after about 30 minutes I instinctively reached for, not the wine, but my old trainers – relics from my fitter days. I threw on something that vaguely resembled ‘sportswear’ and went for my first run in years.  

I’d dipped in and out of sport for most of my life. I was a very active child, played sports as a teenager and was a gym-goer during my time at university but I was never dedicated, and rarely disciplined. My weight had yo-yoed over the years, but I was always able to ‘get away with it’, or so I thought.

I started to really put on weight around 2014, funnily enough it was shortly after I started on the anti-anxiety medication. Over the next few years, I got heavier and heavier until around 2015 I was obese, over 15 stone, probably borderline type 2 diabetic and ill in more ways than I knew.

The Beginning of a Journey

My life became a tumultuous cycle of failed relationships, deep lows, binge drinking, overeating, and guilt. I would starve for days only to binge eat again—an unhealthy pattern that spiralled further into chaos. This went on for years. Then things got worse.

I married a psychopathic narcissist. It sounds funny to say that as, I didn’t wake up one day and think to myself, ‘Ah! Yes, I know what I’ll do today!’ Anyone who has been a victim of narcissistic abuse will tell you; narcissists creep up on you. They target us when we're low and vulnerable, we're easier to manipulate that way. At first, they are utterly charming, the love of your life, then slowly, but surely, they grind you down. It’s subtle at first, then, they consume you. The gas-lighting, the psychological abuse, the breadcrumbing, the manipulation – it’s terrifying. Then, if you do manage to break free, and they can no longer control you, they then control how others see you. They lie, cheat and manipulate, they will do their utmost to make sure you are totally isolated. If my confidence, self-esteem, body image and mental health weren’t already at an all-time low, they certainly were now! However, I got out, after a couple of years. I said to him, and to myself, ‘THIS WILL NOT BE MY LIFE!’ Whilst I didn’t exactly know my worth then, I definitely knew I was worth more than the terrifying, brutal situation I had found myself in. The divorce was worse than the marriage, but that’s a story for another time. It was 2021 by this point, my body, my mental health and my confidence had reached an all-time low, but I’ll come back to this point another day.  

Going back to June 2024, there I was, running, in the pouring rain, in shit clothes, a sport-bra that didn’t fit not knowing where I was running to, or rather where/what I was running from. I ran for miles, I don’t know how I was physically capable, I was overweight, severely out of shape, and probably hungover. Maybe it was my 4 rescue dogs with me mile after mile, thinking it was great that spurred me on. Maybe it was the engulfing panic rising in my chest, whatever it was, I made the decision to change,then and there, and change I did.

And that was the start of it. Driven by my old friend anxiety and the palpitations, and the all-consuming knowledge that I wanted better for myself, I deserved better. I worked out, every day, for months on end. I ate very little. Not because I was intentionally starving myself but because I had developed a lingering nausea that didn’t abate for months, I physically couldn’t eat, I felt sick, and had zero interest in food. I know now this wasn't the effects of coming of the medication; it was years of abuse and trauma finally catching up with me. It turns out, our bodies keep receipts. I would drag myself to the gym every-day. Having been a pretty keen gym-goer, on and off in the past, my workouts weren’t for the faint hearted; they were heavy workouts. I did try to eat as much protein as I could, but it wasn’t nearly enough. As soon as I saw the weight start to come off, I didn’t care! I had been overweighting most of my life. Yes, I’d done sports when I was younger, but I always looked ‘big’. I was a good mix of muscle and fat and so when I started to see a more feminine shape I just ran with it. No pun intended!

The Power of Mindset

One of the biggest lessons was about mindset. I spent years resigned to the belief that I was meant to be unhappy and unhealthy. But as I changed my habits, I quickly learned how crucial my thoughts were. I'll never forget how far and how fast I was able to run that night despite having not worked out in years. Our bodies are capable of amazing things, it's our minds we need to convince.

Embracing the Journey

In the past I had tried so many diets, not eating, workout plans, regimes and over-hauls over the years that I always had it in the back of my mind that ‘maybe this won’t last’, or ‘you’ll just get fat again.’ But as the months ticked by, I lost more and more weight and my attitude to food had done a complete 180. By November 2024 I’d lost nearly 4 stone. Most of that coming off in a matter of weeks. I was now ‘skinny fat’. I did however start to develop strange skin conditions, mostly on my face. I’ll show you the pictures. It was awful. ‘Typical!’ I thought to myself, you look the best you ever have and now it’s all ruined because you have this gross rash all over your face! Then I started to notice that my hair had gone terribly thin and brittle. I had always had fantastic, thick, curly hair, and now, I could barely tie it up without it looking like a rat tail sticking-out the back of my head! Whilst I was happy in my new skinny jeans, I knew I couldn’t go on like this. It turns out, there is a hell of a lot more to health than just being ‘slim’.

And so, ‘RIGHT!’ I thought - a common exclamation of mine, I’m going to get a Personal Trainer. I’d never had one before, I guessed I didn’t really need one. Thanks to my university days, I knew how to deadlift, my squat was good, I knew my way around an Olympic bar, and despite the weight and poor fitness levels, I was strong. But something in my mind had shifted. I now longer wanted to work out because I hated my body, I wanted to eat-well and work out because I LOVED my new body. My arms were now slender and shapely, my legs looked great in jeans, (for the first time in my life), and where I was once saw a dumpy, stout figure was now a slight and slender 5ft 4 women. I deliberated because of the cost. I wasn’t working at the time and my trainer wasn’t cheap. Then, after 5 minutes of totalling up what I spent on shit food, fags, wine and take away coffees, I knew what I had to do.

The Road Ahead

I had really pushed my body to its limits, not only by totally neglecting it all those years, and myself by default, but also by what followed that rainy summer evening where my fitness journey began. What my body was able to achieve, how I was able to perform in the gym despite little to no food or nutrients, definitely too much wine and too many fags, really dawned on me. If I was able to get the muscle tone, definition and performance I did whilst doing all the wrong things, what could I achieve if I did all the right things?! Following this realisation, I researched and enrolled in a Level 4 Master PT and nutrition course, hired the personal trainer and off I went!

Now, as I reflect on my journey, I affirm that there’s no turning back. My struggles with abuse, trauma and my mental health have made me who I am today: stronger, more resilient, and determined to keep pushing forward.

My story is a lifeboat for anyone grappling with weight or mental health issues. If you're searching for a trusted online coach or support group, you've found one in me!

A New Beginning

At 36, my life truly began—but it wasn’t without its challenges, ups, and downs. Through those struggles, I found strength and a renewed purpose.

If you feel lost or overwhelmed, remember it’s never too late to start. Embrace your struggles, seek support, and take the first step. Not sure? Reach out! I offer a free consultation and life-style analysis.

There’s no turning back, and that’s a decision I wholeheartedly embrace! Let’s start this journey together!

Check-out my podcast for more:

https://open.spotify.com/show/3WALPBB9EHwVbkczZLbr2d?si=hpUYZIKXRoiHeuXPqYY_nw